Week 4

Went out yesterday running errands and it really wasnt an issue. just stuck by the promise to stay sober for the day. it was awesome to get out of the house and interact with the world. Almost up to a month but it really is kinda pointless counting how long its been, just like Matt had said last year when i did this. just remember the day of last use. the amount of days doesnt matter if you decide to take every day one day at a time.

my life is becoming more manageable and having the mindset of just starting over is helping out quite a bit with the depression and anxiety aspects of it all. Times that are harder than others i am saying to myself “its getting hard, so staying sober is now priority number 1” until that craving goes away. and i dont feel guilty for dropping everything and doing nothing until that temptation is over and my brain stops trying to justify the next drink.

Another funny part, i try to convince my self that one is ok but almost immediately, i think “well if you are going to get one you may as well get two”, and then i start to plan the day and how much i will need to get through the day, how to get it, how to hide it while im consuming it, how i will hide the empties, how i will get rid of the empties, and if i will be able to get rid of them and not buy more. all that happens in 10 seconds. then i need to stop and remember that when it gets tough, stay sober.

Week 4

Almost a month in the house is starting to get to me but it was worth it. The week detox that i didnt have to pay for and the youtube therapy that i didnt have to pay for was definitely the right move. Im not stressed about the money and i fully understand now that i can not have a drink and i really dont want to drink again knowing full well where it will lead. Its done it every single time and drinking again would be insane. And im not insane, but alcohol makes me make insane decisions. I will stay sober today, no doubt.

Week 4

I have plenty of things to do today!

This has been by far and away the most difficult few days. im getting cabin fever being here for 3 weeks but its way better than the rehab alternative. still getting in the 60 minutes at least of sobriety content in th morning to start the day. Today is going to suck. the hand to mouth habit is what’s killing me now. either constantly smoking or munching. i cant let that just take the place of Raising a beer to my face. It feels like im on to the next step in the journey. Really finding that gratitude and appreciation for the things that i have is going to be super important. 

I told myself i would not smoke weed until after supper tonight. As im typing this i am doubting wether or not that will happen. So lets break it down; i will not smoke weed this hour. Dont worry about the next hour/minute, just get through this one. I will feel proud of myself when i make it until 8p. It will be worth it. All i have to do is have some discipline, that will make me proud of what i did, which is how it starts. So lets start today. And if i decide not to smoke before bed too then so be it. But i will leave that up to Mike 12 hours from now. 

There you go dummy, dont smoke pot for 12 hours. You will survive i promise, dont be a little bitch.

Things to take advantage of today: get the fuck outside for an hour dummy.

i have legs. appreciate them, use them.

I have paid for career certificates. you have no reason to be bored.

Alternatives to smoking a bowl: (if i can still do any of these activities today, i havent earned the weed this minute, hour, or day)

1 minute cold shower

pushups

plank

squats

curls

watch a motivational video

meditate?

do labs instead of lectures when antsy

Week 4

Almost up to the first month! its crazy how hard living was drinking all day. that constant cycle of waking up hungover so bad you have dry heaves until you can get some beer down, constantly worrying about everything and not doing anything but getting drunk. when “feeling normal” is 2 natty daddys deep and you cant even get to that normal until noon. days are continuing to the next, rather than waking up and really not being sure what i did yesterday, im waking up and knowing where i left off the day before, and where i need to pick up today. i got the cigarrettes down to 4 yesterday and i will keep to that today as well stay sober today.

Day 21

Looking forward to not marking these day by day and can make a title for these. 3.30.25 was the day of my last drink and always will be, so the number of days is really just tedious after a while. Either way, coming up on a month now which is good. the cravings are starting to get less frequent and i dont worry too much about going out anymore. but again, that just goes back to making the decision first thing in the morning to “stay sober today” and thats all you have to worry about.

Still not getting a good nights sleep though. Finally got google drive and the password manager all set up. i am pretty well caught up with chores and shit but i want to get my storage unit cleaned out sometime this week or next as well. it can wait till i get a car i guess.

It was a nice feeling yesterday when i stopped at the gas station yesterday when i left matt’s and walked out with only smokes and saw matt at the pump. My first thought was to hide the beer, when i realized i didnt need to worry about it, it felt good.

Why stay sober today? - its the first of a 6 day streak to get us a wifi 6 router.

What im grateful for: the opportunity to learn networking and cyber security

Day 20

i have no idea why the dog keeps getting off and on the bed all night but its starting to piss me off. Yesterday was a good day and i got done what i wanted to which was nice.

the alcohol cravings are starting to go away but the intensity seems to be ramping up. the brain is making excuses on why it would be ok to go grab a couple. now, i can understand that that is a true statement. those two wont hurt anything. but the will 100% lead to the one that hurts everything. 1 is too many because 1000 isnt enough.

between that and starting every day watching sobriety motivation and just saying that i will be sober today, no matter what. dont worry about tomorrows sobriety, just today. but, that is the most important part of the journey.

Things to be grateful for:

Family

roof over my head

a place to study

food in the fridge.

Next step: get a car

Day 19

yesterday was a good day. it was nice to drive and get out of the house. i certainly thought about grabbing some booz but there is just no sense to it. it just like they all say, you have to stay sober one day at a time. We are learning to live sober just one day at a time

i think im at the point where the benefits will plateau for a bit between now and the month mark. Im starting to notice my face not as puffy which is cool and my skin is clearing up nicely This is when the discipline will come in, but the one day at a time is a good way to look at it.

i am starting to really try tto understand step two and three for AA so that i can move to step 4 and 5. i feel like getting those out in the open will really make a difference in the journey.

I wish i knew why i cant sleep through the night but hey, 120 months of drinking every day, i cant expect it to all get better in 20 days. its a lifetime journey, and only a struggle if you look at it that way.

Day 18

Yesterday was a another decent day. Kept the food intake down but man that craving for sweets is no joke. It feels like im white knuckling the the cravings for sweets and accepting/working the booz cravings. I had a crazy headache when i went to bed and had the crazy night sweats again it was miserable. It will be really nice to get out of the house tonight. I just need to remember to find a pod to listen to on the way back from saco and it will be another win in the sobriety book. Im tired this morning and dont have a whole lot to say. The honeymoon phase seems to be over. Ill get outside today and get some sun. 4 cigs today.

Day 17

Pretty good day yesterday surprisingly. I forgot that i would be playing pool with matt yesterday so i ended up smoking at 2p and it definitely didnt help the study process after i got home but i managed it. I will see what happens today with the no weed experiment. 

The folks i follow on youtube to help stay sober both emphasize the importance of not being as hard on yourself as you usually are. I was really hard on myself about how tuesday went. When i was talking about it to matt he literally just said, “hey man, you are getting sober, its ok to have a day and just relax. You cant keep going 100% all the time, so good for you, im glad you had a day of that.”. He did go on to say that if i was doing that multiple times a week he would be saying something different. Either way, that was a really nice thing for him to say, and he said it at the right time. It was nice.  

My skin is starting to heal now, each day is starting to feel like a continuation of the last, rather than just not being sure what i did the day before, making each day just something to get through. Almost like i would start over every day, rather than build on what i did the day before. Hence why i wasnt making any progress in any area while drinking all day. 

Stop eating sweets to replace the dopamine high from the booz. Easy fix here, just be smarter than your own brain. Easy peasy. 

Either way, i will stay sober today.

Day 16

Okay, first thing is first today. Congratulations to myself for having two full weeks of sobriety. Thats a huge milestone and i should have celebrated it yesterday. I think i didnt realize it for a couple of reasons; one is that i dont feel like i am “white-knuckling”, trying to just get to the next milestone like that will be the end of the journey. Since i have 100% accepted that there is no end to this, the milestones dont really seem to mean as much. However, i should make them occasions to celebrate myself at points along the journey, there is nothing wrong with that and will probably help me keep the motivation and more importantly, the discipline. I think the second reason that i didnt celebrate it is because it was a positive thing in my life. When things are going well i get anxious. I have known this for years now and it really does affect me. 

Now that i have put this on paper, yesterday makes a little more sense to me. On top of waking up tired, i decided to smoke pot first thing in the morning and hardly got anything done all day. Then by the time it was time for bed, i felt like a loser for not getting anything done so i couldnt fall asleep and when i did, i had strange dreams of trying different things to fix an issue and none would work and i would wake up. I was scatterbrained when i did sit down to study, even ended up going to bed with a damn headache. 

Soooo………i do not want to have another day like that. 

Causes:

1. Definitely no weed until 8p today but i am very curious what my brain feels like after a few days with no booz OR weed. (i am considering taking a quarter pill of adderall to help with the motivation but i think i will save that)

2. I ate like shit yesterday. It was a perfect cycle to not get shit done. Smoke, eat junk, repeat. Not something that makes you feel good at the end of the day. 

Solutions:

1. Dont smoke pot until after your shit is done

2. Understand that you dont work evening shift anymore. This means the mornings are no longer for play, and the evening for work. The work needs to happen in the morning, not vice versa. 

1. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ this will not be easy but it starts today!

Accomplishing these goals in this order will make me feel great by the end of the day today.

Hey Mike! Notice that none of this requires you digging a ditch, carrying a sack of rice up a mountain, or packing fish. Nothing on your to-do list is difficult SO DONT BE A PUSSY!!

Day 15

Yesterday was a decent day. I got done what i wanted to in terms of studying for the Network+. Today will be practice exams and professor messer lessons in between the study sessions.

I slept terrible last night, woke up at 2a with cold sweats and wet sheets. After that it was falling asleep for an hour or two with weird dreams so it wasnt really a good night’s sleep but i still got up at 630a on the nose

I managed to go out yesterday and i wasnt really tempted to stop for a beer or anything. I think it had to do with writing it out that i will stay sober that day helped. And i will stay sober today as well.

Getting down to 4 cigarettes wasnt to bad, its much easier to smoke less when you arent drinking. I want to do 4 cigs a day this week then ill cut down to 3 per day next week.

I need to go through my accounts again and cancel any stupid subscriptions i have today too.

Between staying off the booz, adding in some exercise, and not smoking as much, i need to make sure i dont over commit to too many things at once. Having said that, exercising, smoking less, sleeping better, and eating better just seem to be bi-products of not drinking and i dont really have to think about it all that much. I will probably stick to these changes for the first month.

Having the sweats last night and the amount that i sweat just from walking tells me that i still have alcohol running around in there somewhere. They say it takes 30-90 days to completely detox from the amount/duration/consistency i was drinking and im starting to believe them. Every day i think i feel like a normal person does, then the next day i feel better than the last so i really have no idea any more what its like to be completely sober.

Either way, today will be a good, long, productive day.

Day 14

I slept like a rock last night and woke up rested which was nice. I’m starting to get used to this but the cravings are definitely still there. I really messed up when i changed my mindset of drinking in my early 20’s. There was a time where i was consistently saying, “If you are going to sit around watching TV and doing nothing, you may as well do it with booz.” After that it went downhill. 

I want to stay sober but my brain is also trying to justify having a couple beers when mom leaves today for groceries, as that is one of my biggest triggers. I just deleted the Uber rider app just in case, but i know i can get through it today

Yesterday was a pretty big win for me. All the other times i have actually managed to go a day or 3 sober (which has happened 3 times in the last year), i break when i go to play pool with Matt. I did not break yesterday. I had to go to hannaford with liquor, drive by my usual liquor stop for sunday pool, and stop at another to grab smokes. I probably should not have done all that, its like im trying to prove that i can control the cravings with all of 13 days sober. “I can walk into a store without buying booz so i have it under control, so i can have a few on sundays.” So that then i dont feel bad when i drink again. BUT that drink wont stop there and 3 months from that drink i will be broke, foggy, feeling like shit, and then dead, in jail, or in rehab which i cannot afford. 

The next drink will cost $15k. Until i have that to throw away, i need to be disciplined. Think of it this way, every day i spend sober and work through it with myself, friends and family, i am saving $357 PER DAY compared to rehab. That should be a great motivator. 

Either way, i am proud of myself for staying sober yesterday, and i will stay sober today. 

Day 13

Last night was a tough one. As soon as i layed down to sleep my brain went into a spiral of things that ive screwed up, then spent a bunch of time comparing myself to Tuller, getting mad at him for his perfect life. this was a bad way of thinking so i looked at what he did differently than myself in college and realize that its all my fault. he is not smarter than myself, he just made lots of better decisions. I should kbe happy for him not jealous. I am going to have to work on that for sure.

Either way, last night was rough. I need to accept that my life did not, and will not turn out how i pplanned it to, and there is nothing i can do to change the past. Its embarassing, and completely my fault. having said that, making better decisions will be completely my fault as well.

Having said that, i didnt really exercise yesteray and only did about 4 hours in comptia, so im pretty sure that played a part in the emotions.

lets check out betterhelp at some point and get some prices for therapy.

To-Do list: Stay Sober!

file work search for unemployment

Comptia tests till noon

get the boat out and cleaned up (this means that i will have to drive over there and the freedom to stop and get a beer. I will be ok due to the fear of the road i will be going down)

Day 12

Yesterday was a productive day overall. Stuck to my schedule which was pretty nice and reduced my anxiety at the start of the day. 9a-12p i think will be mandatory class time just to keep my head in the right space through the day.

I am getting sober for the right reasons, doing it for me and others around me will benefit from that.

i had to talk to dad about it last night which wasnt fun but i suppose the more i talk about it with people that are here to help. it takes a team. even if you are trying to do it as alone as possible you still need folks supporting you.

Looking at others and the drugs they got on during rehab so i am very happy that i did not go that route.

Why am i getting sober? To protect myself and others from getting severely injured or going to jail.

It is a strange feeling at this point, i feel alert and well rested and it hasnt even been two weeks yet, so i know that im not even lose to back to 100%. The only think is, i have no idea what 100% looks or feels like.

To-do list:

practice exams for comptia till noon

get to the post office

start marking milestones of sobriety, first day, weekend, week, etc

download a counting app to count the cravings i say no to this will also show the progression of the rate and duration of the cravings

download quitzilla to track the sobriety and track time and money saved.

Day 11

Yesterday was a strange one. The cravings as soon as i am alone are still really hard. In the past i would have said yea go for it have just two, those two arent going to hurt anything. Now, i am accepting that as true like before (because it is) BUT now i know that those two are just the first two that will re-start me down the path to jail, death or rehab again. That mind shift is helping a lot.

I was crazy moody yesterday, mad at stupid stuff, then depressed, then happy, then sad then motivated then not. it was very strange and not all that enjoyable.

this is the 2nd day shutting the phone off at 11p and got up at 630a, shit, shower, AA, then walk.

To-do:

call allstate about the deductible

i need to put the time into studying. no bones about it

unemployment duties

No weed until 4p

Day 10

Yesterday was another good day. I stopped at hannaford for my pistachios and ended up in the liquor aisle. It was a strange feeling that reminded me how scared i am of having another drink. Having even a dropp of alcohol will send me down the path and i would be right back here in 6 months from now.

I talked to matt a bit about it yesterday but it didnt help that much. Not sure what i expected from him really though. I seem to be at the point where it comes down to personal will in a way.

ive decided that i made the right call in not going to a rehab center. i made it through the “inpatient” week and now i would be an “outpatient” doing the same thing i am now without paying thousands of dollars. Modern podcasts and information makes me think they are more knowlegeable than some of the older therapists using outdated techniques.

I procrastinated on my Comptia yesterday and that didnt feel good at the end of the night so i will not be doing that again.

To Do List:

Nothing crazy today as the insurance claim is all set, just stay sober,, study, and do 30 minutes walking + pushups. I can apply for a job today at some point and get that done early.

Day 9

Yesterday was as good of a day as it could have been really. I found out that insurance valued my car $3200 more than what i paid for it, so after the deductible i will end up $2200 ahead in the short term. In the long term, i am not sure i will be able to find a car as nice as that scion for the price point im looking at. There are some decent cars in the 4k range. 

As soon as i got the good news i started to get nervous. Every time i get sober and things start going well, i legit feel anxious and start thinking that i will just screw it all up. That actually makes me think that i should go grab a few beers, its like i am more comfortable fucking things up than having them go correct the way they should. 

Today is my second time having access to a vehicle and i have about an hour of driving today with 6 convenience stores on my route. Im nervous that i will stop for beer but i KNOW THAT I WILL NOT DO THAT!

That beer will cost either my life, someone elses life, or $15k out of pocket for rehab, or jail. Jail can sound good for a few days or a week but i need to remember what it feels like in there.

I see myself calling matt or mom or dad today while im driving. 

To-do list:

Finish all applied and live labs

2 hour comprehensive skills exam

Work with the mentor to finish up labs

Get power of attorney and title to copart

Play pool from 230p - 5p

Day 8

Yesterday was the toughest day by far. My biggest trigger to drink is being alone. I feel like i need to take any time i have alone to drink. This goes back to hiding it for the last year. Mom left yesterday and i had to pace around for an hour. I wont lie, this is going to be difficult and i will be leaning on matt and dad once i get back out in the world. 

On top of the cravings, i ended up having a dream where i snuck a beer and got caught, so then i had the choice to get hammered or stop or go to rehab. I chose to get hammered which is concerning but its still only a dream. 

On the plus side, the depression and anxiety isn’t as bad as i expected, maybe because im learning and making progress in networking or because i am happy with the realization that i can never have another drink of alcohol. 

To-Do list:

Finish the applied and live labs. 

Do the practice exam for labs

Go back through module exams and checkpoint exams

Finish up taxes

Day 7

Officially one week alcohol free. The physical withdrawals are mostly gone and i am sleeping much better. this morning i actually had a solid bowel movement rather than the liquified organs that usually come out. I can feel my body healing but i can also feel my brain waking up. Reading comprehension has been improving all week.

The cravings are still the worst in the mornings as expected. This week i will be focusing on identifying cravings, recording how long they last without calling someone vs. calling someone immediately. Its not an issue now as i have remembered that Uber exists.

Even saying that though, brought chills to my spine because i know that my next beer will cost me everything.

This thought process is the definition of insanity. I am putting a stop to the insanity.

To-Do list today:

setup the NUC

finish comptia labs

start taking module review exams

memorize flash cards

understand subnetting

Day 6

Yesterday i made a lot of progress with the labs and flashcards so today will be more of the same. I got to play 15 or so games of pool with Thompson last night an didnt get home until 1030p. By the time i got to sleep it was after midnight but i still got up just after 7a and started the day.

Today i will be at the desk, plugging away. Looks like it will be cold and rainy for the next few days so i wont be walking the cul-de-sac for a bit.

My parents went out last night, my dad took the case of beer with him that he thought had 6 in it but really only had 3 since i didnt gget a chance to restock them after the accident. that was a bit embarrassing but they didn’t say anything. I kind of wish they had.

Huge shout out to my best friend thompson. thank you brother